Tag Archives: Saying No

Stop Reassurance-Seeking and Break Free From OCD

A person with OCD seeks one thing.

160_f_65315155_7vwgyjigwiujdbsmawjy00devygrmqej  CERTAINTY 160_f_65315155_7vwgyjigwiujdbsmawjy00devygrmqej 

 It’s your kryptonite. 160_f_54907399_wuafmp2ourzuib6z6zirtarbdu54cduy

Trying to Get It Deprives You of All Your Power 

If you’ve got OCD then seeking certainty is how you’re wired. It’s your automatic solution for doubt and anxiety.

OCD lies: “Get certainty and you’ll feel much better.” Unless you’ve learned how to shrug  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ you’ll do whatever it takes to feel better. It’s odd, but actually shrugging feels better than seeking certainty. That’s because you’ll always end up empty handed.

The problem is, it can’t be gotten. Certainty isn’t possible. There’s a possibility you’ll (falsely) feel certain for a brief moment. But, in a matter of minutes or even seconds, the doubt and anxiety will return. It’s a vicious cycle.

The Most Frequent Way People Try to Get Certainty Is By Seeking Reassurance

Reassurance is your kryptonite. As long as you’re seeking reassurance you’ll be forever vulnerable. OCD will be your boss until you learn to shrug.

You’ll have no confidence in just about anything you do. Like an addict, you’ll be thinking about your next fix, and the next one, and the next one, all day long.

Reassurance can be sought in many ways:

It Starts With a Question and Then the Analyzing Begins

  • Am I okay? Is this okay?
  • What does this say about me? What does it mean?
  • Is this wrong? Is this bad? Am I a bad person?
  • What if I lose control? What if I make a mistake?
  • Am I going to act on this thought?
  • What if something bad happens? Won’t I be responsible? 
  • What if I get overwhelmed? What if I can’t relax?
  • Did I do something wrong? Am I making the right decision?
  • Is this OCD? It’s just my OCD. Right?

The Checking Begins and Never Ends

  • I don’t remember if I did that. Go back and check.
  • Do they know what I’m thinking? Let’s see if I can get them to smile. If they do, we must be okay.
  • Did I leave something behind? Look behind and check.
  • Did I touch that? Ask. Wash to be sure. 
  • Say it again. Make sure they heard it.
  • Give all the details one more time. Make sure they understand.
  • Do it one more time until it feels right.

Avoidance is Reassuring Too

  • The way to feel safe is to stay away. 
  • Don’t touch it. Don’t look at it. Then there’s no risk.
  • Don’t think about it. Then it can’t happen.
  • Replace that bad thought with a good thought.

You can spend hours reassuring yourself through compulsions and mental acts. You can involve others by asking for reassurance. But, it’s not going to lead to freedom. 

You can’t free your mind this way. There is no breaking free of OCD in seeking reassurance. Resisting reassurance will increase your level of anxiety and doubt. It’s not dangerous. It’s unpleasant. Be tenacious. Keep resisting. Shrug. Stick with it. Tolerate it. 

If you want to be set free, there is no other choice. You can start doing it now or do it years down the road. But, if you don’t start now…OCD will only rob you of more and more. 

Resisting reassurance is what you’re going to have to do eventually. Why not just get it over with? Lean in to the pain and break free.

Watch this cool video I made for you!

 

How to Outsmart OCD (Hint: It’s Weird and Wonderful)

There is a weird and wonderful way to outsmart OCD. Weird because it’s uncanny and counterintuitive. Wonderful because it’s so amazingly effective.

In order to outsmart OCD it’s important to first understand it. It helps to know what makes OCD tick. So before we jump into ways to outsmart it, let’s reveal its true nature. 

imagesIs OCD a Bully?

OCD isn’t a bully. A bully would try to humiliate you. OCD is obsessed about protecting you from humiliation. A bully would try to make a fool of you in public. OCD doesn’t want you to look like a fool in public.

Unlike a bully, the last thing OCD wants is for you to feel humiliated.

Bullies want to make you uncomfortable. OCD wants you to find comfort. That’s why OCD hates uncertainty, because it makes you uncomfortable. OCD persuades you to do compulsions or mental acts to get rid of discomfort. Unlike a bully, the last thing OCD wants is for you to experience anxiety.

Bullies try to physically and emotionally hurt you. On the contrary, OCD is like a bodyguard, constantly scanning the environment making sure nothing bad can happen or hurt you. A bully pokes and pokes until you bleed. OCD is scared of you bleeding.

Bullies enjoy picking on people. It brings them joy. OCD doesn’t ever experience joy. Everything is doom and gloom according to OCD. Bullies get sadistic pleasure out of putting people down. OCD puts you down not to inflict pain but to keep your expectations low so that you don’t ever feel the pain of disappointment.

OCD isn’t a bully. It’s a bodyguard on steroids.

Why Not Think of OCD as a Bully?

160_f_99747725_ccjio6av1pfpgso73m4bos6nsx2pr83uWhat does it matter if you think of OCD as a bully or a bodyguard?

Because, if you think of OCD as a bully, you’re feeding a victim mentality. If you think like a victim, you’ll feel like a victim and then you’ll act like a victim. 

What kind of people have bodyguards? Powerful people. People worth a lot. People with influence.

Is it better to think of yourself as someone who is important enough to be guarded or someone who is a victim and being bullied? Which mentality is going to put more oomph in your punch?

OCD is overly protective. Knowing this and using this weakness will be part of our strategy to outsmart it. Another personality trait of OCD’s is that it’s extremely competitive.

The More You Know About OCD, the Better You Can Outsmart It

OCD is Not a Good Sport

OCD doesn’t play fair. It doesn’t accept defeat. It won’t congratulate you on your victories. Your tendency towards negative self-talk plays right into OCD’s hands.

OCD is extremely competitive. The game never ends. Just when the game is tied, it scores again and keeps you in overtime. It wants to wear you down.  It pumps its fist when you cry out, “give me a break!” Think about this for a minute. Why does it want you to lose?

OCD wants you to lose more than it wants to win. Why?

It doesn’t think your loss is harmful to you. On the contrary, it sees your loss as helpful to you. As long as you keep losing (giving in to OCD) then you will continue to see it as an authority. As long as you see it as an authority you will defer to it and by the grace of OCD supposedly be kept safe from harm or ill-will.

160_F_22448988_AeAszQACa4W74iTlgpGB0SdgLVAAykJzOCD doesn’t have much strategy in its game because, it can’t use logic or reason. It’s very reptilian in nature. Fight, Flight or Freeze. That’s all it can do, which isn’t much of a strategy. the only strategy it has is to cheat and lie. It tells you that if you do what it says, you will find peace of mind. That’s the lie.

It cheats by asking you unanswerable questions. The questions it asks cannot be answered with certainty. But, it lies to you and tells you that you can get to the bottom of it if you search hard and long enough. Cheater! You might as well be counting the grains of sand on a beach.

OCD doesn’t give up easily. It’s too competitive. All it wants is to make sure you lose. But, remember this, it can’t win unless you play. It can’t win unless you lose. 

OCD is a bodyguard on steroids. It’s highly competitive and a poor loser. But, here’s something else about OCD that we can use in our strategy to outsmart it. It’s nothing like you.

cropped-Boss_It_2.pngOCD is the Opposite of You

OCD is not a mirror reflection of you. In this instance OCD sounds like a bully. Because, bullies always pick on people who are nothing like them. e.g., The jock picks on the nerd. You are the exact opposite of your OCD.

But, again, OCD isn’t picking on you. It’s trying really hard to think of all the things you’re not normally aware of. Why? Because it’s trying to prevent something bad from happening. It thinks about topics you don’t normally think about. It’s like having a second pair of eyes with a mind of its own.

OCD leaves no stone unturned. It brings up random questions that at first seem so bizarre. OCD actually searches for unusual questions and situations. But, it’s particularly fond of asking questions about whatever is precious and sacred to you.

It’s constantly scanning and searching so that you are never caught off guard. Because if you are caught off guard you will be uncomfortable. And OCD doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable.

OCD is hyper. It’s overly protective. It hates to lose. It’s constantly on guard and tries to think of everything. But, here’s something fascinating about OCD. It can’t learn anything new.

Figure Out What Makes OCD Tick and You’ll Practically Stop the Ticking

OCD is Clueless

OCD asks a lot of questions because it’s trying to protect you. And, it’s trying to protect you because it’s void of any information. It doesn’t know anything. It knows nothing. And worse, it can’t be taught anything.

Even if its questions are answered it will keep asking the same question over and over. Because it can’t absorb or hold on to information. It’s incapable of learning anything new. It can’t retain anything

For example, for those of you who have unwanted, intrusive thoughts of harm, I just told you up above that you are nothing like your OCD. You probably got some temporary relief from reading that.

But, you won’t be able to retain that piece of good news. You might return to this blog everyday to read the above paragraph, “OCD is the Opposite of You.” It doesn’t matter how many times you read that paragraph.

In just a matter of seconds you’re going to go back to worrying that you are your thoughts. You’re going to think that because you think it, you’ll do it. Even though you’ve been reassured many times that you are not your thoughts.

160_f_109258768_fx1jn3w0cu3h1bemw6xp075dpbkanb3tOCD can’t hold on to information. So you can be reassured all day long and the good news won’t stick. OCD is not like fly paper. OCD is clueless because it’s glue-less. Nothing sticks.

OCD is on guard because it’s clueless. It can’t retain information. It can’t use reason or logic. It won’t leave any stone unturned because it can’t learn anything new. But, it won’t stop trying because it’s competitive and doesn’t give up. It’s on a mission to supposedly save you.

There’s one more thing to know about OCD. 

8 Proven Ways to Outsmart OCD Will Soon Be Explained!

160_f_80220645_had2v7yekvlm48vise42a8guoy7f8hifOCD is Only One Part of You

OCD is part of your brain. Which part of your brain? It’s not really fully understood. Is it an imbalance of glutamate, dopamine or serotonin? Is the amygdala enlarged? Too much white matter in the brain? Some kind of miscommunication going on in the prefrontal cortex or the basal ganglia? Researchers can’t say with certainty.

We’re dealing with a faulty alarm system—that we can say with confidence. Something in the brain wrongfully sounds off alarms and the body needlessly goes into fight, flight or freeze. The fear seems so real.

The toothpick on the sidewalk might cause someone to trip. Pick it up. You pick it up and throw it in the lawn. Wait. A baby could crawl on the lawn and pick up the toothpick and die from choking on it. Pick it up. Put it in your pocket and when you get home, break it into tiny tiny pieces and bury it in 12 inches of dirt. 

That whole conversation is a true story of someone with OCD. This chatterbox in his head occurs because of some kind of abnormality or imbalance in the brain. But, listen carefully: Not everything is malfunctioning in the brain. 

I’ve been healing from an elbow injury. (Racquetball is tough on the body!) For awhile it was all I complained about—all I thought about. Finally somebody said to me, “You’re not just an elbow. Your elbow is only one part of you.” Thank you dear friend. I needed that! 

OCD is only part of a whole. There’s so much more to you. There are other beautiful parts of the brain that can function just fine. Your brain can be a lean mean fighting machine despite having OCD. 

brainworkoutLet’s Make Your Brain a Lean Mean Fighting Machine

Now that we understand what makes OCD tick, how can you outsmart it?

Download “8 Proven Ways to Outsmart OCD” Here!

Why You Should Stop Letting OCD Lie to You

160_F_22448988_AeAszQACa4W74iTlgpGB0SdgLVAAykJzI just can’t believe what a liar OCD is and how much it gets away with. Listen to these lies that OCD has people believing:

It’d be better to be sedated and drooling if it means stopping these horrible thoughts. 

Use this cancer-causing hand sanitizer excessively and get rid of all the good bacteria. At least you’ll feel clean and safe right now (for a few seconds.)

Starvation is better. Seriously. You might look sick and frail but at least people won’t be thinking you’re overweight.

Skip your five year old’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s so that you don’t get sick. When he gets home he can immediately take a shower and put his clothes in the trash. Then you can hug him and ask him about his party.

Stay at work 16 hours to triple check your work. You’ll miss your niece’s play if that’s what you have to do. You’ll have to go into the dark parking lot and hopefully not get mugged. But you can’t leave work until you’re 100% sure there’s no mistakes.

Do this over and over until it feels just right. Miss your son’s wedding if you have to. But, if you don’t do this until it feels just right, something bad will happen to him.

It’s better to fail every class. Don’t touch that backpack with books in it from that filthy school. It’d be better to fail than to get sick.

Even if you have to sell your house to pay for all the medically unnecessary emergency room visits it’s better to be safe than sorry. Take your chances of getting cancer from all the X-rays. It’s better to get some relief and be able to sleep tonight. Get another X-ray or you’ll be up all night worrying.

Jump down these stairs and skip nine steps. You could break a leg but it’s the only way to keep something bad from happening to your Mom.

Do you see what all of these stories have in common? They’re all lies, yes. OCD really knows how to pull the wool over eyes. But, there’s something worse about these lies. It’s the terrible risks being taken as a result of the lies. The reason you should stop letting OCD lie to you is that the lies are actually dangerous!

No matter what the obsession is—it all boils down to one thing. Risk. Whatever you’re afraid of is not nearly as risky as the path OCD wants you to take. It may feel less risky to be led by OCD but clearly by reading the above lies, it’s dangerous to follow OCD.

There are two paths. One is overgrown and hard to get through. 160_F_83290911_WoWhtSPYFpifOypCXA6fLq1Jry0yLcmi160_F_85759585_cjg5y6wODUTDtcQycIopZH7AH9ccFYohYou’ll need a machete and you’ll have to work hard. The other path is clear and well-traveled by you. It’s easier to be on the path you travel most often. But, the best path is not necessarily the one most traveled or the one that feels familiar. 

OCD has a crooked little finger enticing you to take the path that feels better. The relief is only temporary and meanwhile you’ve done something harmful to yourself or someone else. Sometimes you’ve just got to get mad at OCD and say enough of the lies. It’s time for truth. The truth is that OCD is always causing harm in some way.

If you have OCD you’re being lied to. Don’t let the wool be pulled over your eyes. Say, “I know you OCD. I see you. The risk I’m going to take is the same risk I see other people taking. I don’t need to take special precautions.”

Today I’m not picturing OCD (as I often do) as the two year old just asking a lot of nonsense questions. Today I’m taking punches at the liar.  

Jab, jab, RIGHT HOOK. Are you with me?

Perfection: One of OCD’s Most Favorite Traps

160_F_68429999_0pBv8U33AMDkI3T3R3eeCzz8ChuE2XOsWhen I was a kid my brothers and I played in the woods all the time. We fished near the railroad tracks and loved waiting for the trains to pass. For hours we’d pick berries and look for salamanders. We built forts out of sticks and stones. One time we challenged each other to see who could build the highest wall with bricks from the remains of an old house. I used only perfect bricks. All of them were intact and of the same size. They all laid on top of each other just right. My brothers used bricks that were jagged and broken and they were all different sizes. Not only did they build one wall, they built four walls. I only had enough bricks to build one wall, which wasn’t nearly as high as the four walls my brothers built.

Not only did my brothers win the contest, they also had a lot more fun. I was tied up in finding perfect bricks and there weren’t many of them around. It was frustrating and time-consuming. Had I just shrugged and used bricks of any size, shape or condition I would have had an entirely different experience. I watched my brothers laughing and making progress. I was grumpy and getting nowhere fast.

OCD is very fond of perfection. It’s one of its most favorite traps. OCD can get you to spend hours doing a compulsion or mental act until it feels “just right” or in other words, perfect. I know people who work 17 hour days because they’re trying to do everything perfectly and make no mistakes. On the flip side, if you don’t have the time to get it right or perfect, OCD convinces you to avoid or procrastinate. For example people with lengthy bathing rituals will skip bathing if they don’t have time to shower to perfection.

This is where knowing how to yield comes in handy. Yielding means to never argue against OCD’s threats. Don’t ever try to prove it wrong. Arguing with OCD is like gasoline to the fire. When OCD starts talking perfection it’s important to yield to imperfection. This is what yielding sounds like:

OCD: Don’t stop until you get it right.
YOU: Nah, that’s okay. I’m going to just wrong it today.
OCD: Something bad will happen if you don’t get it right.
YOU: Yeah, that’s possible. I agree with you. I’ll take my chances.
OCD: If you don’t do this until it feels just right you’re going to not be able to concentrate the rest of the day. You’re going to go nuts until you scratch the “itch.”
YOU: Yeah, this urge is going to be driving me nuts all day. Oh well. It’s going to be a tough day. That’s for sure.
OCD: Things are really going to go bad. I strongly suggest you get this right. Do it now and get it over with.
YOU: I totally agree with you. Something bad might happen. I’m willing to take the risk.

It’s scary to surrender and admit defeat. But the byproduct is 160_F_85369006_nVqc9ff9NOJWrlFxvSkyKvM6mIZDg5LJmuch more productivity and freedom. Had I used all the imperfect bricks I might have had a fighting chance to win, but more importantly I would have had a blast.

This is day 29 of a 30 day challenge. Here is the challenge: Recognize when OCD is trying to trap you into feeling “just right.” Practice shrugging. Admit defeat. And get on with the day. Accept it may be hard. You can handle hard. Being bossed around by OCD isn’t any easier.

Imagine Saying No and Loving Every Minute of It

temper tantrum

If you have OCD then you know how hard it is to say “no” to OCD. When told “no” OCD is just like a two year old; it throws a temper tantrum and screams until it gets its way.  Of course, if you give in to OCD you can expect a temper tantrum when you try to say “no” again. OCD is a strong force to be reckoned with. That’s why it’s good to practice saying “no” to people. If you can’t say “no” to people, how will you say “no” to OCD?

exhausted

People who have a hard time saying “no” to OCD often have a hard time saying “no” to people. Sometimes a person with OCD will forfeit their own mental health in order to support a person in need. They say “yes” to oodles of invitations and projects even when everything is occurring at the same time. Even though they aren’t keeping up with their own responsibilities, they run everybody else’s errands. Instead of going to bed and getting much needed sleep they stay up late listening to a distant friend talk about their troubles. People who can’t say “no” are good people. They are very loving and make the world a better place for everybody else–except themselves.

say no

The more difficulty you have in saying no the more stressed and depleted you’ll feel. Saying “no” to people will make saying “no” to OCD easier. Saying “no” doesn’t have to be hard. Once you master the art of saying “no” you’ll love how much more energy you have to do the things you love to do. You’ll love how much more resourceful you are at bossing OCD back. Read these four tips.

happyfaceThere’s no point in trying to figure out why you have such a hard time saying “no.” In the battle against OCD it’s not good to spend time analyzing. You won’t ever know for certain what definitely makes it hard for you to say “no.” Maybe you like chaos because it gets you “buzzy” and makes you feel alive. It’s possible you can’t say no because you fear rejection, loneliness or don’t want to miss out. Maybe you can’t say “no” because you like the distraction. It’s possible you can’t say “no” because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Whatever the reason, it’s fear-based. Knowing it’s fear-based you know what you have to do. Action: Feel the fear and say NO anyway. Put your mental health first.

happyfaceBe a big-picture thinker. Weigh the consequences of saying “yes.” You’ll get stressed and depleted. In the battle against OCD you need all of the focus and energy you can muster. Is it worth losing ground against OCD to support another person who could easily get help elsewhere? Maybe you are only enabling someone and keeping them from growing up. It doesn’t have to be you to save the day. Identify your priorities and guard them with your life. It’s better to be there consistently for one or two people than half-there for 10 people. Action: Get your priorities straight and be mindful of them.

happyfaceOffer alternatives. I have to turn people away all the time from my therapy practice because of my schedule. I apologize and say, “I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful but try calling these people to see if they are available.” Keep it simple. Don’t go into long explanations. You’re defeating the purpose of saying “no” when you spend forever explaining yourself. Action: In one sentence say “no” and offer a suggestion.

happyfaceDon’t be so accessible. Get into the habit of delaying the “yes.” Say, “I doubt that I can do it but let me get back to you tomorrow.” By then the person will probably already have another plan in place. Put a greeting on your voice mail that says you only listen to voice mail at 4pm [once a day.] Use an auto responder to reply to text messages or emails that states you are busy and will try to respond within 24 hours. Action: Delay. Don’t respond immediately.

As you get better at saying “no” to people you get better at saying “no” to OCD. It’s nice to be supportive of others but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your own mental health. It can be unsettling to be so quiet and still, but running around like a chicken without a head isn’t healthy either. Life is always going to be about finding balance. Say “no” and love every minute of it because it’s leading you to freedom.

If you know someone who has trouble saying “no” and you think this post would be helpful, please feel free to share by using any of the share buttons. e.g., Facebook or email.